he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
