i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
