someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
