i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
