Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
