Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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