Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
A+ Viking dick
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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