you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
