Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
