Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
