he wants to bone in the snuggie
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
