i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
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she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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