I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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