For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
