no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
