So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want to be your penis for a week.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
