i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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