Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Randomize
