i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
