I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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