MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
