that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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