There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
