My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
