he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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