There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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