Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
