I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
