Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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