I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
