I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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