Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Too much gin, very little bucket
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
