I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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