I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
