I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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