Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
