I wish my penis had an off switch
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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