before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
