she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
