It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
