just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
