Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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