you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
porn star boner night. come get it.
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Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
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His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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