Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
