Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
