dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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