Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
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debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
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Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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