she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
