did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
