I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
