Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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