i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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