plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
