20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
