I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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