I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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