how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
