no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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