I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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